Lost

In 4 days, I take my first finals exam of secondary education.  The truth is, knowledge and subject wise, I’m 90% ready.  I know all the content, I’ve done many practice papers and done many revision sessions at school planning essay responses.  But that isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel okay.

Despite the unnecessary stress to get the grades I need for my first choice university, and the pressure I like to put on myself to do well.  I didn’t realise till recently that I haven’t been myself for a while.  But I think I know the catalyst.

As I stated in my previous blog post, I broke up with my boyfriend.  We had been dating for about 9 months or so, but he had started going out with someone else, and had started spreading rumours, as well as a few other issues.  Now it hasn’t been getting over him that has been the hardest part, but dealing with the train wreck of emotions that I was left behind with.

To find out that someone you really cared about has cheated on you, with a girl 4 years older, who he bad known for 3 weeks, is bad enough.  But the amount of confidence he took away from me, that is the scar that I try to hide.  Confidence is like glass, it is fragile, and a lot of the time, the damage caused to that glass is irreversible.  I don’t think my confidence in myself has ever been as low as the past 3 months.  I have second guessed myself in every decision I have made.  I have stopped celebrating things that go well because I don’t believe I’m good enough anymore.  I know that I can get my confidence back, and I have got a little bit back already.  But I am no longer proud of myself for any things that I achieve.  I just look at all my failings, and how to make them better.

The weight of guilt is something that no one ever really understands, until you carry it on your back wherever you go.  When you see all the couples in your year, you realise how much you took that feeling of safety for granted.  Even though I am better off without him, I still can’t help but ask myself what I did wrong, I obsess over my mistakes to the point where I count my achievements as flunks.  I don’t believe I deserve to be happy yet, and that thought is suffocating.

I didn’t realise how I’d been feeling until last week.  It was the second to last day of the year, before study leave started.  I have been friends with this boy, lets call him J, since I was 12.  He had asked me if I wanted to  go to our leavers dance with him.  I said yes, because I was honoured to be asked.  But I spent the next 10 minutes sobbing.  That feeling of being wanted, and appreciated, had escaped me for so long that now someone showed how much they cared I had no idea what to do with it.  He had asked me what was wrong and I said that I didn’t want to embarrass him.  He hugged me for about 5 minutes, trying to tell me that I was just as good as the other people in my year.  I knew I could believe him.  But I realised, My boyfriend had torn apart my self esteem, and I had grown apart from my real self.  My friend said he knew.  People had noticed, but none of them thought I felt this bad.  And to be honest, neither had I

 

If there is one thing I have learnt from all this, is that it is ok not to be okay.  Sometimes things happen and they can take a long time to fix.  Although I am not completely broken, I have a way to go before I am mended.  Let’s just hope that I can be myself again, and love myself for being who I am.  Everyone deserves to be happy, including all of you.

 

From Violetkatie xx

 

Advertisements

Saying goodbye to old romance

Hey!

I will warn everyone now that this post is not going to be a happy and cheerful one.  I am normally one of those people who always look for little lights at the end of the tunnel, and to hold onto hope, but for one of the first times in my life, I don’t know how to act, and my emotions are rather unstable.

I guess it’s fairly obvious from the title that this is a post where I say goodbye to a form of romance, to my first boyfriend to be precise.  I hope that by doing this, I can gain some understanding of my feelings, and get a grip on the overwhelming pain that has consumed my heart for the past few days.

Last Thursday I was at a residential weekend for visually impaired people, and on the first evening I was brought to a corner of the corridor, and he revealed his feelings which were that ultimately, we should break up.  I had known previously that he had been struggling to cope as it was a long distance relationship, and that it was unlikely we’d see each other much before university starts, but it still came as hard as a stab in the back.  What I didn’t know about the situation was that there was another girl involved, and that he’d had feelings for her for a while, and in the end felt unable to control his emotions anymore.  When I’d heard that they’d been dating for 2 weeks, my stomach tightened, I felt like a brick had knocked my skull and my defences broke.  He tried to apologise, and he said he felt bad, and I know he isn’t lying, at least I think I know.  In the last few days I’ve cried about 10 times, sometimes for 5 minutes, and sometimes for 20.  My closest friends know and so do my parents.  I cannot put into words how grateful I am for all the love and support they have given, both at the residential when it happened, and the days after.  They have helped soften the pain, and told me it wasn’t my fault.  My friends are dearly loved as they made me smile and laugh even in the midst of chaos.  I cannot blame myself, although it feels like I should.

For a couple of days I was convinced I wasn’t good enough and his new girlfriend was way better than me.  I believed that compared to this girl I was probably stupid and rude, ugly and annoying but I know that I can’t think that.  He may have lost a lot of my trust and it will take a long time to forgive him, but I think I can.  I can never send this message to him, especially not now because it hurts too much, and I have no words to say to him but I feel that I should say this anyway, to give myself some final closure.

I understand, deep down, why you wanted to break up, and I know you don’t blame me, and that in the end we had no control over the distance.  I know that in your mind, you didn’t want to hurt me that much and that you won’t be able to realise how much confidence I’ve lost because of the way we broke up.  I know that in the end I will be okay, and that I can move on and we can both be happy.  One day I would like you to say sorry, for keeping me in the dark, and lying about how you felt.  I hope you and your new girlfriend will be happy, because you do deserve happiness, and she is lucky to have you.  You were a kind, sweet and understanding boyfriend, although I feel betrayed and as if I’m second best, I will move on.  I don’t want to know why you chose her and couldn’t wait until we broke up before going out, but I know we all make mistakes.

Thank you for all our late night chats, the ones  on the phone and at each other’s houses.  Thank you for your morning texts and your ability to always make me laugh when I’d had a rubbish day.  I will always remember that hour we had alone in Paris, where we danced together and curled up near the window of your hotel room.  I still remember us holding our hands under the table so that your parents couldn’t see, and I am grateful for all the silly music we tried to make on your keyboard.  These are memories I will treasure, because I know you are a good person as a whole, I just happened to receive some of your bad sparks.

You made me really happy, and taught me what love could feel like, and I am glad I had the chance to be your girlfriend.  Please take care of your new one.

Love

Violetkatie xx

 

 

 

I don’t know where my heart lies

Hello again blog!

I am so sorry I have been neglecting this blog, I have been slightly caught up in a world of exams, university applications, social and family issues which just got time to catch up with me too quickly.  It isn’t even an understatement that I’ve barely had a weekend since august and before that I was struggling to find myself the spark for writing that I wanted, but I’m so glad I’ve found it again.

I won’t begin with my huge emotional problem just yet, but I want to just point out a lesson I learnt last year.  It doesn’t matter how bad, how good, angry or excited you are, always do your best and always give back to those around you.  I honestly couldn’t thank the friends who made last year so fun, and taught me so much, and all the people who helped me survive school.  I am definitely going to work a lot harder this year.  I think I finally am confident enough to go for it this year, and that is what I intend to do.

Now unfortunately, I would love to say that this year was a great start, but it hasn’t been completely what I planned.  I am rushing to complete a 5000 word essay as part of a school qualification and it’s due in at the end of January.  Not only is it 5000 words, but I have no idea how to fit all the things I’m supposed to in it.  I also have managed to become very much reliant on chocolate over Christmas, and if I don’t get it under control I will probably end up 15 stone.  But that isn’t the thing that has pulled at my heart.  Let me give a brief summary so I don’t mess up my words.  Not many people know that I have a boyfriend, apart from my closest friends and a couple of his, oh and my mum.  We’ve been together 8 months, and on Sunday it will be 9.  Our relationship is a long distance one, he lives about 3-4 hours away, so I only see him every 2 months but we’ve always had a great time and I really appreciate our time together.  We are both 17 and in September we are both hoping to go to our favourite universities which happen to both be in the same city, only 20 minutes or so away.  Neither of us knew which universities were each other’s favourite but when we found out we were both excited (because why not).

A couple of weeks ago he said that he found the distance hard, but he still wanted to be with me, and he knew that we should be together.  I will admit that it’s not easy at all to love someone so much who’s far away.  But we’ve both learnt to cope with it pretty well and we know it will be easier when we are at uni in September.  Then a couple of nights ago we agreed to go on a bit of a break, as he was finding it a bit too hard.  We both know each other so well now, and trust each other so much and more than a few tears were shed.  We promised we wouldn’t break up, it was just a break.  I know some people will think it was stupid but breaking up was the last thing we wanted.  It was a very brave thing for both of us to do but we believe that it will help us cope a little better if we take some steps back for a few months, and I fully respect that and believe it  So why do I feel so sad?  I know that we still love each other, we are still going to meet up and we are still as close as normal, but I feel like a pin put a tiny hole in my heart.  It’s a small thing, but it really hurts.  I can’t even believe I’m acting so soppy, but that’s love I suppose.  He didn’t hurt me, he never would, it was just the situation did.  I know he’s been feeling this way for a month or so, and he’s thought about it a lot, whereas I never really thought about it.  It’s only a few months, not even 6, and it will mean that when we are at uni that we can be together properly.  Things haven’t changed that much but I know I’m not completely okay.  I know he doesn’t find it easy either, but it is making him happy and as long as he is, then I am.  It just feels so much more lonely.  I’m scared to say some of the things I used to, our nicknames, our really bad but hilarious flirting.  I don’t know what’s right or isn’t, and now I miss him even more.  Oh what I’d give for summer to come around quickly, and to be able to ask him all the questions I want to.  I think I’m scared of what will happen if it changes, if he finds someone else, or if I will (although I doubt it).  He said the other day that he doubt that would happen, and that he believes in us, but I can’t help but feel a little vulnerable.

I know that I’ll be okay, and I could tell him anything.  I just don’t feel ready to yet.  We know how much this relationship means to us and I could never be angry at him.  He cares about me in a way that no one else really does, he’s made me smile so much more than I used to, and he’s one of the most genuine and kind people I know.  I just have to get through the next  few months.  I know it will be worth it, in the end.

I think I’ll just leave it there, before the tears start to fall.  But one quote I think I’ll leave with is from a great scholar: Winnie the Pooh – “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye to so hard”

VioletKatie xx