I don’t know where my heart lies

Hello again blog!

I am so sorry I have been neglecting this blog, I have been slightly caught up in a world of exams, university applications, social and family issues which just got time to catch up with me too quickly.  It isn’t even an understatement that I’ve barely had a weekend since august and before that I was struggling to find myself the spark for writing that I wanted, but I’m so glad I’ve found it again.

I won’t begin with my huge emotional problem just yet, but I want to just point out a lesson I learnt last year.  It doesn’t matter how bad, how good, angry or excited you are, always do your best and always give back to those around you.  I honestly couldn’t thank the friends who made last year so fun, and taught me so much, and all the people who helped me survive school.  I am definitely going to work a lot harder this year.  I think I finally am confident enough to go for it this year, and that is what I intend to do.

Now unfortunately, I would love to say that this year was a great start, but it hasn’t been completely what I planned.  I am rushing to complete a 5000 word essay as part of a school qualification and it’s due in at the end of January.  Not only is it 5000 words, but I have no idea how to fit all the things I’m supposed to in it.  I also have managed to become very much reliant on chocolate over Christmas, and if I don’t get it under control I will probably end up 15 stone.  But that isn’t the thing that has pulled at my heart.  Let me give a brief summary so I don’t mess up my words.  Not many people know that I have a boyfriend, apart from my closest friends and a couple of his, oh and my mum.  We’ve been together 8 months, and on Sunday it will be 9.  Our relationship is a long distance one, he lives about 3-4 hours away, so I only see him every 2 months but we’ve always had a great time and I really appreciate our time together.  We are both 17 and in September we are both hoping to go to our favourite universities which happen to both be in the same city, only 20 minutes or so away.  Neither of us knew which universities were each other’s favourite but when we found out we were both excited (because why not).

A couple of weeks ago he said that he found the distance hard, but he still wanted to be with me, and he knew that we should be together.  I will admit that it’s not easy at all to love someone so much who’s far away.  But we’ve both learnt to cope with it pretty well and we know it will be easier when we are at uni in September.  Then a couple of nights ago we agreed to go on a bit of a break, as he was finding it a bit too hard.  We both know each other so well now, and trust each other so much and more than a few tears were shed.  We promised we wouldn’t break up, it was just a break.  I know some people will think it was stupid but breaking up was the last thing we wanted.  It was a very brave thing for both of us to do but we believe that it will help us cope a little better if we take some steps back for a few months, and I fully respect that and believe it  So why do I feel so sad?  I know that we still love each other, we are still going to meet up and we are still as close as normal, but I feel like a pin put a tiny hole in my heart.  It’s a small thing, but it really hurts.  I can’t even believe I’m acting so soppy, but that’s love I suppose.  He didn’t hurt me, he never would, it was just the situation did.  I know he’s been feeling this way for a month or so, and he’s thought about it a lot, whereas I never really thought about it.  It’s only a few months, not even 6, and it will mean that when we are at uni that we can be together properly.  Things haven’t changed that much but I know I’m not completely okay.  I know he doesn’t find it easy either, but it is making him happy and as long as he is, then I am.  It just feels so much more lonely.  I’m scared to say some of the things I used to, our nicknames, our really bad but hilarious flirting.  I don’t know what’s right or isn’t, and now I miss him even more.  Oh what I’d give for summer to come around quickly, and to be able to ask him all the questions I want to.  I think I’m scared of what will happen if it changes, if he finds someone else, or if I will (although I doubt it).  He said the other day that he doubt that would happen, and that he believes in us, but I can’t help but feel a little vulnerable.

I know that I’ll be okay, and I could tell him anything.  I just don’t feel ready to yet.  We know how much this relationship means to us and I could never be angry at him.  He cares about me in a way that no one else really does, he’s made me smile so much more than I used to, and he’s one of the most genuine and kind people I know.  I just have to get through the next  few months.  I know it will be worth it, in the end.

I think I’ll just leave it there, before the tears start to fall.  But one quote I think I’ll leave with is from a great scholar: Winnie the Pooh – “how lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye to so hard”

VioletKatie xx

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