Saying goodbye to old romance

Hey!

I will warn everyone now that this post is not going to be a happy and cheerful one.  I am normally one of those people who always look for little lights at the end of the tunnel, and to hold onto hope, but for one of the first times in my life, I don’t know how to act, and my emotions are rather unstable.

I guess it’s fairly obvious from the title that this is a post where I say goodbye to a form of romance, to my first boyfriend to be precise.  I hope that by doing this, I can gain some understanding of my feelings, and get a grip on the overwhelming pain that has consumed my heart for the past few days.

Last Thursday I was at a residential weekend for visually impaired people, and on the first evening I was brought to a corner of the corridor, and he revealed his feelings which were that ultimately, we should break up.  I had known previously that he had been struggling to cope as it was a long distance relationship, and that it was unlikely we’d see each other much before university starts, but it still came as hard as a stab in the back.  What I didn’t know about the situation was that there was another girl involved, and that he’d had feelings for her for a while, and in the end felt unable to control his emotions anymore.  When I’d heard that they’d been dating for 2 weeks, my stomach tightened, I felt like a brick had knocked my skull and my defences broke.  He tried to apologise, and he said he felt bad, and I know he isn’t lying, at least I think I know.  In the last few days I’ve cried about 10 times, sometimes for 5 minutes, and sometimes for 20.  My closest friends know and so do my parents.  I cannot put into words how grateful I am for all the love and support they have given, both at the residential when it happened, and the days after.  They have helped soften the pain, and told me it wasn’t my fault.  My friends are dearly loved as they made me smile and laugh even in the midst of chaos.  I cannot blame myself, although it feels like I should.

For a couple of days I was convinced I wasn’t good enough and his new girlfriend was way better than me.  I believed that compared to this girl I was probably stupid and rude, ugly and annoying but I know that I can’t think that.  He may have lost a lot of my trust and it will take a long time to forgive him, but I think I can.  I can never send this message to him, especially not now because it hurts too much, and I have no words to say to him but I feel that I should say this anyway, to give myself some final closure.

I understand, deep down, why you wanted to break up, and I know you don’t blame me, and that in the end we had no control over the distance.  I know that in your mind, you didn’t want to hurt me that much and that you won’t be able to realise how much confidence I’ve lost because of the way we broke up.  I know that in the end I will be okay, and that I can move on and we can both be happy.  One day I would like you to say sorry, for keeping me in the dark, and lying about how you felt.  I hope you and your new girlfriend will be happy, because you do deserve happiness, and she is lucky to have you.  You were a kind, sweet and understanding boyfriend, although I feel betrayed and as if I’m second best, I will move on.  I don’t want to know why you chose her and couldn’t wait until we broke up before going out, but I know we all make mistakes.

Thank you for all our late night chats, the ones  on the phone and at each other’s houses.  Thank you for your morning texts and your ability to always make me laugh when I’d had a rubbish day.  I will always remember that hour we had alone in Paris, where we danced together and curled up near the window of your hotel room.  I still remember us holding our hands under the table so that your parents couldn’t see, and I am grateful for all the silly music we tried to make on your keyboard.  These are memories I will treasure, because I know you are a good person as a whole, I just happened to receive some of your bad sparks.

You made me really happy, and taught me what love could feel like, and I am glad I had the chance to be your girlfriend.  Please take care of your new one.

Love

Violetkatie xx

 

 

 

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A letter to my parents

Dear Mum and Dad

I don’t really know where to begin, but this letter is really just to say thank you!  Thank you for raising me and putting up with me for the last 17 years.  I’m so grateful for everything you did with me when I was younger that allowed me to have an awesome childhood and teenage years.  Thank you for being my taxi, taking me to swimming, ballet and all the social/school events I’ve been involved in, even though you’ve had better things to do, especially in recent years with my siblings. 

Thank you for all the money you have spent on me over the past few years, and for filling in all the forms too.  Thank you for letting me explore the big wide world and for not stopping me from doing all the things I’ve wanted to do.  You taught me how to get the most out of the activities I do and to treasure the memories I have, the good ones for happiness and the bad ones as lessons.  You taught me how to be brave and persevere, even when I gave up at first, and you taught me to always go one step further, to push myself and become a better person. 

I know I don’t show it properly but I am so blessed to have done some of the things I have done, but I wouldn’t have been able to do them if it wasn’t for your love and encouragement.  You helped me to become more independent and shared many words of wisdom, and terrible jokes too.  Even when you were stressed and tired you would still help me with any problems I had and that means so much.  I know I haven’t always been easy to deal with, I’ve answered back, slammed doors, cried and said stupid things and for that I am sorry.  Sometimes I take for granted your unconditional love and kindness, but I know how lucky I am.  I am nearly 18 now, but I hope one day in the future I can give something back, although I could never pay back for everything.   

I am always thankful and hopefully I’ve made you proud.  I hope I haven’t let you down.   

Love you lots,

Violetkatie xxx 🙂

Reaching for my dreams

Hello!

The final few months of my time in school are coming to an end.  And it’s hard.  Really hard.  You never know how much you’ll miss something until it’s gone, but I can already tell my life will be changing a lot.  I’ll be moving away from home, living at university, closing the gap on my dream.  And yeah, I am so excited.  It’s a new chapter of my life, one where I get to be a fully independent me, one where I get to start afresh, and that makes me smile.

I’m going to take a degree in Psychology (I know it’s crazy, me, actually at uni) and then take a few more years of training so that I can be a fully chartered professional counsellor or behavioural therapist.  I’m hoping to be able to specialise in a particular area that I am closely associated with: teenagers with disabilities, particularly sensory impairments, because I myself am severely sight impaired, with only about 7% of vision.  Now when people ask me what I want to do for a career I tell them what I just told you.  I often get some stunned faces, some questionable voices back: “but are you even allowed to do that?”, “but you’re Visually impaired!” and so forth.  When I first heard these comments I used to let them consume me, I trusted their judgement that I wasn’t good enough, I wasn’t cut out for a role that is, in all honesty, quite tough.  I know that it isn’t just me, a lot of people in today’s society get examined by practically everyone, seeing if they fit into a category of work.  And I hate it.  I hate how I let so many people knock my confidence, how I listened to them calling me weak and dumb.  But then I realised that there is a fire in me, that really wants to prove those people wrong, and to prove to myself that I can make a difference.  The whole reason I want to be a counsellor is to help people handle difficult situations, to understand people who can be hard to reach, to teach them how to be happy again.  I have always had a fascination with understanding the human brain, to question different behaviours, and ask what makes everyone so different (I’m hoping that doesn’t sound creepy aha).   

I have had my fair share of difficulties which needless to say, have really tested me, but they have taught me how to be strong, and have courage, and to follow my dream.  I have had friends, even family, who have had mental disorders like OCD and Depression, who were too scared to ask for help, who needed someone to listen.  I do wish that society lost the stigma of mental illness, allowed people to know that wounds don’t have to be permanent, that they can heal.  I won’t be prevented from being who I want to be any longer, at the end of the day, I just want to show people there is light.  Yes it will take a lot of work, and sacrifice, but I’m okay with that.  If I can give back to the people who helped me, by helping other people, then I will be happy.

The gap between my dream and reality is closing, I can do this.  I believe I can.  I wouldn’t have said that 2 years ago but I am so grateful I never gave up my dream.  I want to give a voice to people, to let them be free from the mould society tries to put you in, because that is what people did for me and I am so thankful.

My biggest lesson for people is probably my simplist: if you have a goal, aim for it, and don’t look back.  “Shoot for the moon, because even if you don’t reach it, you’ll land among the stars”. 

Violetkatie xx