Lost

In 4 days, I take my first finals exam of secondary education.  The truth is, knowledge and subject wise, I’m 90% ready.  I know all the content, I’ve done many practice papers and done many revision sessions at school planning essay responses.  But that isn’t my problem.  My problem is that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel okay.

Despite the unnecessary stress to get the grades I need for my first choice university, and the pressure I like to put on myself to do well.  I didn’t realise till recently that I haven’t been myself for a while.  But I think I know the catalyst.

As I stated in my previous blog post, I broke up with my boyfriend.  We had been dating for about 9 months or so, but he had started going out with someone else, and had started spreading rumours, as well as a few other issues.  Now it hasn’t been getting over him that has been the hardest part, but dealing with the train wreck of emotions that I was left behind with.

To find out that someone you really cared about has cheated on you, with a girl 4 years older, who he bad known for 3 weeks, is bad enough.  But the amount of confidence he took away from me, that is the scar that I try to hide.  Confidence is like glass, it is fragile, and a lot of the time, the damage caused to that glass is irreversible.  I don’t think my confidence in myself has ever been as low as the past 3 months.  I have second guessed myself in every decision I have made.  I have stopped celebrating things that go well because I don’t believe I’m good enough anymore.  I know that I can get my confidence back, and I have got a little bit back already.  But I am no longer proud of myself for any things that I achieve.  I just look at all my failings, and how to make them better.

The weight of guilt is something that no one ever really understands, until you carry it on your back wherever you go.  When you see all the couples in your year, you realise how much you took that feeling of safety for granted.  Even though I am better off without him, I still can’t help but ask myself what I did wrong, I obsess over my mistakes to the point where I count my achievements as flunks.  I don’t believe I deserve to be happy yet, and that thought is suffocating.

I didn’t realise how I’d been feeling until last week.  It was the second to last day of the year, before study leave started.  I have been friends with this boy, lets call him J, since I was 12.  He had asked me if I wanted to  go to our leavers dance with him.  I said yes, because I was honoured to be asked.  But I spent the next 10 minutes sobbing.  That feeling of being wanted, and appreciated, had escaped me for so long that now someone showed how much they cared I had no idea what to do with it.  He had asked me what was wrong and I said that I didn’t want to embarrass him.  He hugged me for about 5 minutes, trying to tell me that I was just as good as the other people in my year.  I knew I could believe him.  But I realised, My boyfriend had torn apart my self esteem, and I had grown apart from my real self.  My friend said he knew.  People had noticed, but none of them thought I felt this bad.  And to be honest, neither had I

 

If there is one thing I have learnt from all this, is that it is ok not to be okay.  Sometimes things happen and they can take a long time to fix.  Although I am not completely broken, I have a way to go before I am mended.  Let’s just hope that I can be myself again, and love myself for being who I am.  Everyone deserves to be happy, including all of you.

 

From Violetkatie xx

 

Saying goodbye to old romance

Hey!

I will warn everyone now that this post is not going to be a happy and cheerful one.  I am normally one of those people who always look for little lights at the end of the tunnel, and to hold onto hope, but for one of the first times in my life, I don’t know how to act, and my emotions are rather unstable.

I guess it’s fairly obvious from the title that this is a post where I say goodbye to a form of romance, to my first boyfriend to be precise.  I hope that by doing this, I can gain some understanding of my feelings, and get a grip on the overwhelming pain that has consumed my heart for the past few days.

Last Thursday I was at a residential weekend for visually impaired people, and on the first evening I was brought to a corner of the corridor, and he revealed his feelings which were that ultimately, we should break up.  I had known previously that he had been struggling to cope as it was a long distance relationship, and that it was unlikely we’d see each other much before university starts, but it still came as hard as a stab in the back.  What I didn’t know about the situation was that there was another girl involved, and that he’d had feelings for her for a while, and in the end felt unable to control his emotions anymore.  When I’d heard that they’d been dating for 2 weeks, my stomach tightened, I felt like a brick had knocked my skull and my defences broke.  He tried to apologise, and he said he felt bad, and I know he isn’t lying, at least I think I know.  In the last few days I’ve cried about 10 times, sometimes for 5 minutes, and sometimes for 20.  My closest friends know and so do my parents.  I cannot put into words how grateful I am for all the love and support they have given, both at the residential when it happened, and the days after.  They have helped soften the pain, and told me it wasn’t my fault.  My friends are dearly loved as they made me smile and laugh even in the midst of chaos.  I cannot blame myself, although it feels like I should.

For a couple of days I was convinced I wasn’t good enough and his new girlfriend was way better than me.  I believed that compared to this girl I was probably stupid and rude, ugly and annoying but I know that I can’t think that.  He may have lost a lot of my trust and it will take a long time to forgive him, but I think I can.  I can never send this message to him, especially not now because it hurts too much, and I have no words to say to him but I feel that I should say this anyway, to give myself some final closure.

I understand, deep down, why you wanted to break up, and I know you don’t blame me, and that in the end we had no control over the distance.  I know that in your mind, you didn’t want to hurt me that much and that you won’t be able to realise how much confidence I’ve lost because of the way we broke up.  I know that in the end I will be okay, and that I can move on and we can both be happy.  One day I would like you to say sorry, for keeping me in the dark, and lying about how you felt.  I hope you and your new girlfriend will be happy, because you do deserve happiness, and she is lucky to have you.  You were a kind, sweet and understanding boyfriend, although I feel betrayed and as if I’m second best, I will move on.  I don’t want to know why you chose her and couldn’t wait until we broke up before going out, but I know we all make mistakes.

Thank you for all our late night chats, the ones  on the phone and at each other’s houses.  Thank you for your morning texts and your ability to always make me laugh when I’d had a rubbish day.  I will always remember that hour we had alone in Paris, where we danced together and curled up near the window of your hotel room.  I still remember us holding our hands under the table so that your parents couldn’t see, and I am grateful for all the silly music we tried to make on your keyboard.  These are memories I will treasure, because I know you are a good person as a whole, I just happened to receive some of your bad sparks.

You made me really happy, and taught me what love could feel like, and I am glad I had the chance to be your girlfriend.  Please take care of your new one.

Love

Violetkatie xx