I will warn everyone now that this post is not going to be a happy and cheerful one. I am normally one of those people who always look for little lights at the end of the tunnel, and to hold onto hope, but for one of the first times in my life, I don’t know how to act, and my emotions are rather unstable.
I guess it’s fairly obvious from the title that this is a post where I say goodbye to a form of romance, to my first boyfriend to be precise. I hope that by doing this, I can gain some understanding of my feelings, and get a grip on the overwhelming pain that has consumed my heart for the past few days.
Last Thursday I was at a residential weekend for visually impaired people, and on the first evening I was brought to a corner of the corridor, and he revealed his feelings which were that ultimately, we should break up. I had known previously that he had been struggling to cope as it was a long distance relationship, and that it was unlikely we’d see each other much before university starts, but it still came as hard as a stab in the back. What I didn’t know about the situation was that there was another girl involved, and that he’d had feelings for her for a while, and in the end felt unable to control his emotions anymore. When I’d heard that they’d been dating for 2 weeks, my stomach tightened, I felt like a brick had knocked my skull and my defences broke. He tried to apologise, and he said he felt bad, and I know he isn’t lying, at least I think I know. In the last few days I’ve cried about 10 times, sometimes for 5 minutes, and sometimes for 20. My closest friends know and so do my parents. I cannot put into words how grateful I am for all the love and support they have given, both at the residential when it happened, and the days after. They have helped soften the pain, and told me it wasn’t my fault. My friends are dearly loved as they made me smile and laugh even in the midst of chaos. I cannot blame myself, although it feels like I should.
For a couple of days I was convinced I wasn’t good enough and his new girlfriend was way better than me. I believed that compared to this girl I was probably stupid and rude, ugly and annoying but I know that I can’t think that. He may have lost a lot of my trust and it will take a long time to forgive him, but I think I can. I can never send this message to him, especially not now because it hurts too much, and I have no words to say to him but I feel that I should say this anyway, to give myself some final closure.
I understand, deep down, why you wanted to break up, and I know you don’t blame me, and that in the end we had no control over the distance. I know that in your mind, you didn’t want to hurt me that much and that you won’t be able to realise how much confidence I’ve lost because of the way we broke up. I know that in the end I will be okay, and that I can move on and we can both be happy. One day I would like you to say sorry, for keeping me in the dark, and lying about how you felt. I hope you and your new girlfriend will be happy, because you do deserve happiness, and she is lucky to have you. You were a kind, sweet and understanding boyfriend, although I feel betrayed and as if I’m second best, I will move on. I don’t want to know why you chose her and couldn’t wait until we broke up before going out, but I know we all make mistakes.
Thank you for all our late night chats, the ones on the phone and at each other’s houses. Thank you for your morning texts and your ability to always make me laugh when I’d had a rubbish day. I will always remember that hour we had alone in Paris, where we danced together and curled up near the window of your hotel room. I still remember us holding our hands under the table so that your parents couldn’t see, and I am grateful for all the silly music we tried to make on your keyboard. These are memories I will treasure, because I know you are a good person as a whole, I just happened to receive some of your bad sparks.
You made me really happy, and taught me what love could feel like, and I am glad I had the chance to be your girlfriend. Please take care of your new one.