Hello once again!
I am writing this in my double free period today, which is probably the thing I should not be doing but oh well! I have recently been having many interviews and meetings on top of my usual busy school weeks, and it.s given me a good opportunity to step back and think about life in general, but also about growing up.
Last week I had an interview with a counsellor and an educational psychologist, to talk about their jobs as these are possible careers I want to go into. This was a very interesting experience indeed and I learnt a lot of useful information which will really benefit me. However, at the end of the interview with the counsellor he randomly asked me “what are you afraid of?”. I was a bit confused as I never really thought I was afraid of much. Spiders, heights, needles, none of them have ever scared me. After a couple of minutes I did admit one thing that has probably made me the most annoying person since I was 3. I have a fear of failing and letting people down. I know many people have this fear in some sort of way, but it’s the fear that will make me cry, and make me have a panic attack.
Even when I was 6 and 7, I would cry if I didn’t get less than a 17/20 on my spelling test. I cried on results day last year too. Initially of relief and happiness, but then i realised how many C’s and B’s I got, and I felt that all my teachers were going to be so mad at me. Everyone has said o me that I did well, but for me anything less than an A is a fail. When I was telling the counsellor this he was silent for a while, and then asked me if I.ve ever thought my fear to be something that isolates me. I responded with a very unreassuring “I guess”. I was too busy in my mind thinking about human nature at this point. Will a fear go away as we get older, or will it just change into a different one? Why do we spend so many of our teenage years saying no to things because we are scared? Why are we scared anyway, what’s the point? This led me into a deep cave of thoughts for the rest of the day.
I am beginning to ramble on here which I am very sorry about, But I never fiully appreciated my teenage life before. I have done some incredible things before which maKe me feel so blessed. When I was younger I had never believed that growing up would be as emotional as it has, I just assumed that when you were an adult you had all the freedom in the world. In some ways this is true, but not in as many ways as I can think of. For me there are days when I wish I was a child again. Having to pay fees to keep my swimming up and pay for school trips gets me so stressed out, I don’t even want to go and pay bills yet. That’s another thing though, I don’t know if I want to grow up, is it ever okay to be just a mature teenager, or is adult life really a social convention everyone has to abide by?
In addition, I have always wondered what I should be doing every year I get older, but there is always eternal conflict creeping up on me. I feel ss if life goes too fast, and wonder if we become expected of too much. What is the real beauty of life first of all, and why do we always forget it! Speaking of which, why do we get so fearful of the future, we don’t embrace it enough! I feel as though grown ups today are cutting us out of their territory (as it were) and not letting us know what it really is like. It’s important that we can get the truth, so we can fix the mistakes made by previous generations and gain a sense of importance that seems to be lacking in today’s society. The world is a vast place, full of good, bad and much in between, but I don’t think that teenagers really get the opportunity to learn and explore this, as adults are too busy covering up the dark and ugly, but the truth is that no one and nothing can be hidden forever!.
I’m not really sure what my aims of this post were, I am just aware that I don’t understand a lot of things in this world, and I probably never will either, not completely. I apologise now however, as I never normally ramble on about so many things at once – but I hope maybe this blog post did spark some interest!
Hope you are all well and I will be writing again soon!
Love Violetkatie xx